Unsure

For years I suffered from something that vaguely (or obviously, depends on your POV) resembled self-doubt. I look back on pictures of myself and hardly remember that naive girl who challenged herself little but dreamed big.

Today I spoke with my boyfriend and his cheerful demeanor crippled all of the walls I built to protect me from the growing problems I faced. My insecurities regarding my ability to do the easiest of job-related tasks broke me down into tears; what sort of person doesn't get hired after over a year of looking? I felt a failure. A loser.

And the bf pointed out something to me that I always disregard: that I'm not alone. It didn't matter. I've always been a selfish mourner, refusing to believe that anyone else has the same horrible denial and self-effacing feelings as myself. Punishment is doled out on the daily, all mental abuse.

What sort of pattern have I built up in my mind that allows me to do such things to myself? Where is there a place to help cure the agony of self-loathing?

I've crossed out shrinks. I've crossed out pills (forever). My final cure?

Love.

There is a power inside Love that can dissipate even the illest regrets. I can rage, cry, scream, hit my head against walls until whatever pain I felt pales in comparison, but all of that can be cured with a simple "I Love You". And I hear it enough to realize it isn't an illusion. The sentiment should not be caged, but released until each and every human realizes it exists in the here and now.

I re-read posts like this and wonder if I'm being dramatic. If this is a superficial desire to be a trophy human, awing all who glance my way with whatever success I've amassed. Instead, I'm merely haunted by the fact that I am what I am and there's no changing it.

And I can change it. With a simple "I Love You".