The Age Definer

I recently had a birthday, the 23rd celebration of my birth, and was surprised by how old I actually am.

To clarify, I mean this in a mildly sarcastic way. My mother has told me over and over when I complain to her of my lack of ambition that I have many, MANY more years to achieve all that I want from life. What she fails to realize is that at my age, 23 is just a sled ride into menopause, rather than an opportunity to succeed where others have failed.

Case in point, My List of Why I Am An Old Fart:

1.) I'm going to a No Doubt REUNION tour.
2.) I look at teenagers, like my brother, and ask them to please, pull up their GD pants.
3.) I really enjoy eating at 5pm.
4.) When someone asks me what I'd like to drink, I no longer ask for a Natty Lite.
5.) I go to bed at 10pm on a weekday.

The opposing, My Mother, insisting I'm a huge baby:

1.) Cupcakes are on my top ten list of favorite foods.
2.) I still don't have a job with benefits, including health/dental/401k/natural disasters.
3.) I talk to my cats like they're people (this is technically borderline crazy and up for debate)
4.) My shirts occasionally have super heroes on them.
5.) When I see a dog I still shout "OMG IS THAT A DOG!? SO CUTE!" at the top of my lungs and then insist on petting it.

I know at this point in my life I haven't reached the goals I wanted to, such as having a real job, moving out and living on my own, and having an independent existence.

Admittedly, I am of the larger percentile of well off humans despite my interesting choice of career, and really need to shut my gob and relax.

Do they make a pill for that?